Retro Minute #7: Your Horoscope From the Past

To sort of celebrate 18 years of blogging, I'm sharing 18 of my favorite posts from previous blogs. Here's the seventh post from April 9, 2019 from The memory of rain/The memory tourist blog.

Your Horoscope From the Past

'aquarius' (background astro signs by Tavmjong)

Here's your horoscope from your past though we can't say if this is from your past life or your current life but either way, your past is set. But remember our motto: read it yesterday, forget it today.

01/

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your great-great-aunt from your mother's side left you a fortune on the condition that you race against a monkey. Unfortunately you lost but don't worry, the monkey knew how to spent his fortune. There is now a museum for bananas in New Mexico.

02/

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You've lost everything and almost gone into depression but thanks to an advice from a stranger, you've got yourself a home near the airport and even made a friend, only, you can never ask him why his hair is like that.

03/

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Some horrible family secret exploded and you were left to handle the aftermath. But due to your youthful nature, you fought tirelessly and you're perfectly fine other than the fact that you now live in a trailer and own a huge fishing boat that doesn't work.

04/

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your not-so-nice-relatives got you into a great debt. But you've survived and you've paid off the debt only now your relatives think you're the go-to-person for everything. But be kind to your great-uncle, he may leave you his collection of donkey memorabilia.

05/

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your current relationship collapsed. You soon met someone else who is better for you, only that, he/she had a weird assumption that you can buy them anything.

06/

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The love of your life left you a strange vibe after a long weekend but soon, you found out why. But you've stayed loyal and you're still together only now she/he eyes you with a look of distaste whenever you eat a steak.

07/

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You had to turn down a very lucrative job offer but a new offer came along soon after and you were happier for it for twenty-six seconds. Then you realized you've got a job that made you very unhappy but don't worry, your unhappiness will only last forty-seven years.

08/

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You were stubborn enough to stick to your belief. Now you're a few hundred dollars shorter but at least you've still got your health and your very own vehicle though it only runs on your ability to steer with your toes.

09/

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your overly generous nature caused your family to think they can take advantage of you and somehow got you into a mess that caused you to lose your house, your car, your job and even your friends. But good news, you no longer have to lend anyone money ever again and you still have your cat though he/she spends a lot of time away from you.

10/

Capricorn (December  22 - January 19)
An old friend remembered you in his/her will and left you a large sum of money. But you lost it in a week. You were neither rich nor poorer for it though you wished that friend had forgotten you. The view through your window with the steel bars is very limited.

11/

Aquarius ( January 20 - February18)
You've lost a very precious item dear to you but don't worry, you found it again when you met someone in the rain pulling a sheep up a very steep road.

12/

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
After years of working at an old job, you finally got a chance at a new one. Unfortunely, you had to learn to ask people if they would like ketchup with their fries.

Note: You know these are all nonsense, right? They are meant for fun.