Retro Minute #16: Book reviews I shouldn't write

To sort of celebrate 18 years of blogging, I'm sharing 18 of my favorite posts from previous blogs. Here's the sixteenth post from June 16, 2020 from The memory of rain blog.

Book reviews I shouldn't write

'Book reviews I shouldn't write' or perhaps 'Direct and slightly sarcastic book reviews I shouldn't write just because I hated what I read.' There aren't any specific books for these reviews and you probably shouldn't take them seriously since I wrote them to as jokes. (This was for Top Ten Tuesday.)

01 - My goldfish read this book also and he thought it kind of sucked but he's a very picky reader so you shouldn't trust his judgement but I somehow agreed with him but only because I'm a picky reader too.

02 - I've not read this book but I heard a lot of things about it and it's so popular that everyone had read it and I've been a bit downtrodden by endless recommendations to read it. But I have zero desire to read it but I got a copy and I'm going to pretend I've read it just so people won't think I'm weird for not reading it.
 
03 - I read the book but I can't say I liked it. I am certain somewhere in this universe or another, someone liked this book, just not me.

04 - I've tried to read this book but the characters drove each other crazy and they in term drove me crazy so I gave it to the one person who will truly appreciate it: my talking pet raccoon. He's a bit unhinged but we are not to say that out loud. He loves sleeping on hardcovers because of his bad back and because he knows how expensive hardcovers can be.

05 - I really tried to like this book. I tried reading it while I'm fully awake but it made me drowsy. I tried reading it while half-awake but it again it made me drowsy. I tried reading it with music but I ended up listening to the music instead of reading. I tried reading it while trying to sleep but I couldn't keep my eyes open. I tried reading the ebook version but the words blurred and then my ereader died as if it knew I shouldn't be reading it. I even tried the audio version but the narrator sounded like he was reading a manual for building a closet. Finally, I've come to the conclusion: this book just refused to be liked by me and maybe it sucked in every format. (That last bit was added by my goldfish, he's very opinionated.)

06 - I thought this book would offer some meaningful ideas and a unique story but instead, it just made me want to put it out of its misery, perhaps dropping it into the ocean and getting eaten by a shark or throwing it into a volcano where it will burn for all eternity and never to be read again.

07 - This book depressed me. Yes, it did. I was forced to go to therapy and the therapist told me it is normal to hate books for depressing me and that I should eat a lot of chocolate and buy a lot of books.

08 - Review as written by my pet dragon: He didn't say anything but he blew some smoke out of his nostrils and then he set fire to the book and flew back to his cave for a nap.

09 - I threw this book against a wall and it survived. It's not that it made me angry, it's just that it makes me sad, sad that I had read something so bad and sad that I can't remove some of the bits from my memory. And yes, it did make me slightly angry because I actually pay full price for it.

10 - I've read this book and it was so terrible that I went online and read the negative reviews so I can at least enjoy something from the book: watching other people made fun of it.

What things you wouldn't or shouldn't say in a review?