Retro Minute #16: Book reviews I shouldn't write

To sort of celebrate 18 years of blogging, I'm sharing 18 of my favorite posts from previous blogs. Here's the sixteenth post from June 16, 2020 from The memory of rain blog.

Book reviews I shouldn't write

'Book reviews I shouldn't write' or perhaps 'Direct and slightly sarcastic book reviews I shouldn't write just because I hated what I read.' There aren't any specific books for these reviews and you probably shouldn't take them seriously since I wrote them to as jokes. (This was for Top Ten Tuesday.)

01 - My goldfish read this book also and he thought it kind of sucked but he's a very picky reader so you shouldn't trust his judgement but I somehow agreed with him but only because I'm a picky reader too.

02 - I've not read this book but I heard a lot of things about it and it's so popular that everyone had read it and I've been a bit downtrodden by endless recommendations to read it. But I have zero desire to read it but I got a copy and I'm going to pretend I've read it just so people won't think I'm weird for not reading it.
 
03 - I read the book but I can't say I liked it. I am certain somewhere in this universe or another, someone liked this book, just not me.

04 - I've tried to read this book but the characters drove each other crazy and they in term drove me crazy so I gave it to the one person who will truly appreciate it: my talking pet raccoon. He's a bit unhinged but we are not to say that out loud. He loves sleeping on hardcovers because of his bad back and because he knows how expensive hardcovers can be.

05 - I really tried to like this book. I tried reading it while I'm fully awake but it made me drowsy. I tried reading it while half-awake but it again it made me drowsy. I tried reading it with music but I ended up listening to the music instead of reading. I tried reading it while trying to sleep but I couldn't keep my eyes open. I tried reading the ebook version but the words blurred and then my ereader died as if it knew I shouldn't be reading it. I even tried the audio version but the narrator sounded like he was reading a manual for building a closet. Finally, I've come to the conclusion: this book just refused to be liked by me and maybe it sucked in every format. (That last bit was added by my goldfish, he's very opinionated.)

06 - I thought this book would offer some meaningful ideas and a unique story but instead, it just made me want to put it out of its misery, perhaps dropping it into the ocean and getting eaten by a shark or throwing it into a volcano where it will burn for all eternity and never to be read again.

07 - This book depressed me. Yes, it did. I was forced to go to therapy and the therapist told me it is normal to hate books for depressing me and that I should eat a lot of chocolate and buy a lot of books.

08 - Review as written by my pet dragon: He didn't say anything but he blew some smoke out of his nostrils and then he set fire to the book and flew back to his cave for a nap.

09 - I threw this book against a wall and it survived. It's not that it made me angry, it's just that it makes me sad, sad that I had read something so bad and sad that I can't remove some of the bits from my memory. And yes, it did make me slightly angry because I actually pay full price for it.

10 - I've read this book and it was so terrible that I went online and read the negative reviews so I can at least enjoy something from the book: watching other people made fun of it.

What things you wouldn't or shouldn't say in a review? 

The 2023 Book Awards

I like to list some of my best and worst reads this year but I have forgotten every book I read. But upon looking at my blog archives, I can sort of remember them and noted that I didn't read much this year. So instead of best and worst reads, here is a very short list of awards for books I read in 2023.

01 - A book with the most disappointing ending:
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien  > link
Some bits were boring but mostly an okay read but I'm disappointed by the ending. If the readers are to follow these people, then why aren't these people doing the one important thing that the story was leading toward? I don't get it. But now I can said I have read The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings but I'm still not a fan of either one. I don't think I want to see the movie which seems to be in three parts - how can they make a short book into a 6 hour movie anyway?

02 - The book with the most exasperating love interest:
Scent of Fear (Scent Series Book 1) by NJ Litz  > link
This male love interest (also the male lead) left such a bad impression on me that I hope he was the killer. (I don't recall his name and that's how much I couldn't stand the guy.) We get to be in his head, which is not a good thing, and he gives off an impression of being a womanizer and a terrible father. Instead of talking to his daughter or spending time with her and trying to understand her, he just leaves her with his mother or with the female lead or with anyone. He is a fellow who likes to 'keep his women's heart racing' (that's the wording in the book) which I'm guessing means he wants them to be excited to be in his presence or... something. For a cop with experience, he didn't think criminals would be smart enough to have backup escape plans nor going into an operation, did he bother to check to see if there are escape routes criminals can get out. And for a cop, heck, for a man who had seen a lot, I would think he would be more open-minded and hold judgement on a person and not judge them by their relation to another. If the author had simply not let us into his head, we might have a better impression of him through the female lead. (The female lead is not much better because she wants to find the killer to impress the male lead/win his heart which I laughed at when she had that thought.)

03 - The most hype book that somehow bored me:
The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman > link
This is the book I waited almost a year to read from the library which I can't say is worth the wait. The first chapter was good, which reads like a prologue, and then it became meh. The humor was not funny to me. The main characters sounded like children who pretended to be adults but not even in a funny way. The mystery was bland. The book was mostly thoughts, lots of dumb thoughts and also, lots of talk of death, dying and final days. The good thing about this book is that I didn't pay 13 dollars to read it.

How was your 2023 reading year? Did you read much?

Some of My Favorite Meet-Cutes From Books

This week's Top Ten Tuesday is Genre Freebie. I'm not necessarily picking romance but meet-cutes are associated with it. Meet-cute is when a guy meets a girl for the first time, typically under unusual, humorous or cute circumstances and the two end up together. I'm listing meet-cutes but also non-romance meetings that are memorable and kind of awkward, which I call meet-awkward. Here are some of my favorite meet-cutes & meet-awkwards. For more Top Ten Tuesday, visit That Artsy Reader Girl here.

01 - When Anne met Gilbert from Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery
First, Gilbert winked at Anne and then later, he pulled one of her braid and whispered "Carrots! Carrots!" Then Anne said something and she slammed the slate on his head and cracked the slate. It was a fun scene.

image from the Open Library

02 - When the Ordinary Princess met Perry from The Ordinary Princess by M. M. Kaye
Amy (the Ordinary Princess) snuck into a banquet hall to steal leftovers for her animal friends and there she met Perry (aka Peregrine) who was just hanging around. It's an ordinary meeting but I thought it was cute and also, if you know who Perry really is, it makes it a little less ordinary.

03 - When Fred met Kyra from Poison by Bridget Zinn
Fred spotted Kyra when she crossed a river with a piglet on her head and in her under things and then he helped her out. I thought this was funny when I first read it and it's funny still.

04 - When Mary met her cousin from The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
The dreamlike moment when Mary met her cousin in his room where he was throwing a tantrum. The way it was written gave it a certain quiet, moody, dreamy feeling.

05 - When Harry met Hagrid from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Hagrid met Harry as a baby and ten years later, he met Harry again. Hagrid broke down the door to a cabin where Harry's uncle had took the family, then he entered and asked for a cup of tea - definitely a memorable way to meet someone again.

06 - When Cimorene met the dragon Kazul from Dealing with Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede
Cimorene entered a hovel and met some dragons and offered her services as a cook/maid to a dragon even though a few of the dragons suggested they eat her. What princess can be this daring?

07 -10 - When Westley met everyone from The Princess Bride by William Goldman
There are a lot of memorable scenes in this book but my favorite meet-cutes or meet-awkwards are these:
When Westley met Inigo Montoya and they fenced and chatted
When Westley met the giant Fezzik where they fought
When Westley met Vizzini and they drank to their deaths
When Westley met Buttercup a second time when he kidnapped her from her kidnappers

Do you have a favorite meet-cutes, whether it's romance-related or just people meeting for the first time?

Bookish clubs I would join

This week's Top Ten Tuesday is a Freebie. I'm going with bookish clubs I would join but mostly I just enjoy making up titles. For more Top Ten Tuesday, visit That Artsy Reader Girl here.

01 - The Guild of Notorious Skim Readers — enjoy skim-reading with others who also think it's okay to skip the boring parts

02 - The Chapters and Cakes League — come and eat cake and maybe read a chapter or two of a book but mostly eat cake

03 - The Sisterhood of Literary Feminine Accuracy — complain about the mistakes of female characters in books written by male authors

04 - The Fellowship of the Tome — read chunky books and complain about their length

05 - The Association of Sleepy Readers — pick books, complain about them and then vote not to read them, then take a nap

06 - The Spook Society — get together with other scaredy cats and read scary books that are maybe not too scary

07 - The Civilized Society of Murder Mystery Maniacs — join other murder mystery lovers in reading and nitpicking murder mysteries

08 - The Society of Obstinate & Persnickety Readers — For people who are very, very picky of what they read

09 - Miss Marple's Knit & Snitch Bookish Society — come and join us for some knitting and snitching and maybe even read a book

10 - The League of Trifle Knowledge — join us in the search for the meanings of life in the small corners of bookish worlds

What book club would you like to join?

Retitling Books As How-To Titles

This week's Top Ten Tuesday is a Freebie which means I choose my own topic. So I'm listing books I'll most likely never read and turned them into how-to titles that I make up based synopses and reviews. If I'm wrong about any of these, feel free to correct me. I added links for book info in case you actually want to read them. And remember, these are for fun.

Be aware: There are spoilers for The Midnight Library by Matt Haig; Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia; maybe You by Caroline Kepnes and maybe Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins.