Here are the books I read in September formatted as how-to books because why not. Just note the books I listed under The Good are the books I had enjoyed reading.
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THE GOOD
How to get through hell with threads, a clueless guy and lots of luck. What you'll learn:
- how not to scream when you're in a pool of blood
- elevators are very handy when going from different levels of hell
- send text using a piece of cloth, threads and a hair pin
- hell is apparently bilingual
- people in charge of hell aren't always unkind
- no matter how at odds you are with your mother, you still love her
- never trust a talking monkey named Uncle Monk and who crackles like a six-year-old
How to be a twelve-year-old monster hunter. What you'll learn:
- get used to having a flesh-eating mermaid for a best friend
- disembodied voice of your mother shall be listened to because it can be helpful when you need a voice of reason or some scolding even if you're not sure if you might be imagining it
- grave hopping can be very handy and dirty
- live at the cemetery with only the absolute necessities
- how to keep ghosts happy with fake food
- control your fears in front of monsters because they might want to eat you whole
- why you still have to go to school even if you're a monster hunter
How to be a kidnapper in just a few steps. What you'll learn:
- how to have patience and do a lot lying
- think about your private parts sweating when there's a chance you'll be found out
- accept that people are naturally disgusted by you but that's okay
- frame anyone for a crime as cops are prejudiced against people who had committed crimes even if they were acquitted
- stay low-key and rent an apartment and pretend to come to town to fish even though you show no signs you know anything about fishes
- fake your death like a pro
- when near death, confess all your crimes
How to be a successful, suppressed career woman who is suspected of kidnapping and murder. What you'll learn:
- choose to be happy is your motto and to stick to it even if that means suppressing your past trauma and your emotions
- even though you keep suppressing your past trauma, you still keep on thinking of the past and relive your misery over and over
- learn what a horrible idea it is to marry the first man you dated after your fiancé dumped
- regret not listening to your brother when he tells you to re-think about marrying this first man
- regret not asking for details about your future husband's first dead wife
- having a level-headed mother and brother can make your life easier but somehow harder
- even a strong, smart woman can fall for kidnappers and murderers
- even a seasoned lawyer can be dumb when it comes to their own legal needs
- as a lawyer, understand your close friend aliening you so that they can be loyal to their client
- cops are prejudices against people who were victims of crimes
- cops will pretty much think you're the kidnapper based on a grainy video and coincidences
- meet would-be kidnapper and murderer alone because you're a strong woman who doesn't need a man unless you're being killed by the murderer
- help only comes at the very last minute
Learn all the things you should and shouldn't do in a public library. What you'll learn:
- phones are very handy
- asking stupid questions can brighten a librarian's day
- librarians have great poker faces
- the public library is a place for accidental humor and also free books
This is already a how-to book so what you'll learn is listed in the contents page. Don't expect to grain some inspirations or insights into writing. This is like taking a class where the teacher give lessons with some examples and then you do writing exercises. It's not for beginner writers, more like people who are seasoned amateurs. I cannot recommend or not recommend this book because how useful it is depends on the reader but like I said, it's like taking a class because it's pretty short.
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THE BAD
How to write a mystery/thriller that both bore and annoy readers - Volume 1. What you'll learn:
- make all the characters use the f word all over the place
- make all the characters lie to their friends, families, cops, strangers and even to the reader
- add in some lesbian subtext
- include characters who are assholes and know they are assholes
- include a cheating boyfriend or two
- include a lot of judgmental cops
- include cop partners who get along and knows how to use the f word
- hide a valuable piece of evidence and make it appear and disappear all over the place
- add in every crime - assault, murder, rape, thief, serial killing, disposing of criminal evidences, shooting, police corruptions, bribery
- make lawyers and cops talk about laws
- make characters stalk each other
- make characters glue to their phones or laptops
- make the characters make tons of phone calls to get info because why make the characters travel or do any actual movement when they can be lazy
- include everyone's thoughts and knowledges except for those who actually have the answers
- have endless cliffhangers by switching from character to character to keep the readers in suspense at the end of every single chapter
- rush toward the end so eager readers can get their answer quicker but also pisses off readers who wanted better pacing
- add a twist at the end that will piss off readers and make the whole plot of the book pointless
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THE BORING
How to write a mystery/thriller that both bore and annoy readers - Volume 2 . What you'll learn:
(Note: there are two mysteries here - a missing woman and a man who died in a hit-and-run)
- start with an intriguing prologue but then settle into some slow-moving, dull happenings
- go extremely slow before offering some hints to a solution to the two mysteries
- make sure main character spends as much time with the missing woman's family as much as possible and doing a lot of mundane things and meaningless observations
- make sure main character do a lot of introspection because that's what people do on vacation
- make the main character constantly mooning over a woman he had met a year ago and had only spent an hour or so with and also, make her the wife of the man who died in the hit-and-run
- make the main character's romance with this woman like some 17-year-old-in-love, lots of staring and lots of introspections
- have flashbacks blend with present time so it's easy to confuse the timelines
- make the two mysteries seemed like they are connected with coincidences
- lots of re-thinking from the main character about the two mysteries
- make sure the main character do things without details or do them off screen so the reader never knows what he did or discover until later
- hint at answers by saying the main character had some sort of epiphany if only he could remember what the heck it was
- solve the first mystery by the main character remembering things that he forgot or remembered wrong
- solve the second mystery by the main character remembering things that he forgot
- at the end, add viewpoints from the missing woman and her husband but really doesn't add much to the mystery
- at the end, let the readers know the main character is happy with his girlfriend because he's having regular and enthusiastic sex
[SPOILERS] - ends with not connecting the two mysteries because happy people who enjoys wine and doing mundane things can't be murderers and because the main character must have friends who are happy and not murderers
How not to be an amateur sleuth. What you'll learn:
- not to have any hobbies or interest outside of work because everything you do is to protect your family's teddy bear shop and factory
- gain a lot of free time to do a lot of mundane things like stopping for sweets or coffee and gossiping with your friends (and maybe get some tidbits to help with the murder investigation) instead of work because you can delegate the work to other people who are busier than you
- get into the habit of feeding/walking/cleaning up after your dog even if you have to use a tissue
- use huh, gaah, ow, aha, whew, dang in all your thoughts
- believe people are always kind and be surprised when they turn out to be unkind and have secrets
- remember your ex-husband is oh-so-sexy even if he's a womanizer and a cheat
- take in details of what every single person you pass is wearing and all the useless information about them and the entire town
- drug use and drug trafficking is nothing to fuss over
- never listen to cops when they tell you to stay out of the investigation even if you might get murdered
- go about asking questions and telephoning every person to get info about the dead guy even if you might get murdered
- fumble your way toward the murderer's house without any kind of plan and maybe almost get murdered
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THE WERID
Learn from a robot on how to conform and be like other humans. What you'll learn:
- be like humans by acting, dressing and talking like them
- convenience stores are a place of discipline and order, don't let other people tell you otherwise
- tell a lot of lies because it's necessary so people won't think you're not normal
- do whatever your sister tells you to do so you can be normal
- your thoughts about using a knife to stop your nephew from crying is perfectly sound and not all distrubing
- fake boyfriends can be pets too
- conforming is very tiring so eat up
(Note: The end has a letter from the author to the convenience store about how she was having sex with the convenience store because she worked there and they were lovers going on dates, etc. Also, this is not a story about a robot but a human woman but if they say at the end she is a robot, it would make perfect sense but nothing about having sex with a convenience store makes sense to me. )
Have you read any good books lately?
I do enjoy your rants. Thank you.
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